The clock reads 2:18 a.m., and a persistent, dull ache in my right knee is competing for my attention—not enough to force a shift, but plenty to destroy my calm. The ground seems more unforgiving tonight than it was twenty-four hours ago, a physical impossibility that I nonetheless believe completely. The only break in the silence is the ghost of a motorbike engine somewhere in the distance. A thin layer of perspiration is forming, though the room temperature is quite cool. The mind wastes no time in turning this physical state into a technical failure.
The Anatomy of Pain-Plus-Meaning
The term "Chanmyay pain" arises as a technical tag for the discomfort. It's an uninvited guest that settles into the awareness. What was once just sensation is now "pain-plus-interpretation."
Am I observing it correctly? Should I be noting it more clearly, or perhaps with less intensity? Is the very act of observing it a form of subtle attachment? The actual ache in my knee is dwarfed by the massive cloud of analytical thoughts surrounding it.
The "Chanmyay Doubt" Loop
I make an effort to observe only the physical qualities: the heat and the pressure. Then the doubt creeps in quietly, disguised as a reasonable inquiry. "Chanmyay doubt." Maybe my viriya (effort) is too aggressive. Maybe I am under-efforting, or perhaps this simply isn't the right way to practice.
There is a fear that my entire meditative history is based on a tiny, uncorrected misunderstanding.
That specific doubt is far more painful than the throbbing in my joint. I start to adjust my back, catch the movement, and then adjust again because I'm convinced I'm sitting crooked. My muscles seize up, reacting to the forced adjustments with a sense of protest. I feel a knot of anxiety forming in my chest, a physical manifestation of my doubt.
Communal Endurance vs. Private Failure
I recall how much simpler it was to sit with pain when I was surrounded by a silent group of practitioners. Back then, the pain was "just pain"; now, it feels like "my failure." It feels like a secret exam that I am currently bombing. I can't stop the internal whisper that tells me I'm reinforcing the wrong habits. The idea that I am reinforcing old patterns instead of uprooting them.
The Trap of "Proof" and False Relief
Earlier today I read something about wrong effort, and my mind seized it like proof. The internal critic felt vindicated: "Finally, proof that you are a failure at meditation." The idea is a toxic blend of comfort and terror. I'm glad to have an answer, but terrified of how much work it will take to correct. The tension is palpable as I sit, my jaw locked tight. I consciously soften my face, only for the tension to return almost immediately.
The Shifting Tide of Discomfort
The pain shifts slightly, which is click here more annoying than if it had stayed constant. I was looking for something stable to observe; I wanted a "fixed" object. It feels like a moving target—disappearing only to strike again elsewhere. I strive for a balanced mind, but I am clearly biased against the pain. I notice the failure. Then I wonder if noticing the failure is progress or just more thinking.
This uncertainty isn't a loud shout; it's a constant, quiet vibration asking if I really know what I'm doing. I don’t answer it, mostly because I don’t have an honest answer. My breath is shallow, but I don’t correct it. I know from experience that any attempt to force "rightness" will only create more knots to undo.
The clock ticks. I don’t look at it this time. A small mercy. My limb is losing its feeling, replaced by the familiar static of a leg "falling asleep." I remain, though a part of me is already preparing to shift. It’s all very confused. The "technical" and the "personal" have fused into a single, uncomfortable reality.
I don’t resolve anything tonight. The pain doesn’t teach me a lesson. The doubt doesn’t disappear. I am just here, acknowledging that "not knowing" is also the path, even if I don’t know exactly what to do with it yet. Still breathing, still uncomfortable, still here. Which feels like the only honest thing happening right now.